Message From Bashar

An Email from the Syrian President to the American President explaining the “tragic” events in Damascus.

Dear Mr. Bush,

By the time you get this letter, you will have heard about the tragic events that unfolded in Damascus this morning. Just in case you haven’t, here’s what happened: A bunch of Islamic terrorists attempted to attack your embassy in the heart of our capital city. They were shouting religious slogans and they wanted to bomb the premises.

Thankfully, Mr. President, our heroic security forces foiled the operation and killed all four assailants. I am pleased to announce that your diplomats are now all safe and sound.

I know this is an amazing coincidence Mr. Bush, but the way we handled the situation proves, the day after September 11, that this Syrian regime is on your side in the war on terrorism: We are committed to fighting Islamic terrorists the same way you are. I hope you didn’t forget that we are a secualr regime.

Mr. Bush, how about shelving those regime-change plans you have in mind? don’t you think it’s better to talk with us instead of having to deal with the Islamists? Islamists like the ones who attempted to bomb your embassy this morning? (The ones who are all conveniently dead now and can’t be interrogated by your security officers)

Mr. President, those bombings show that we were right all along: Your support for Israel and your foreign policies are making people in the region hate you. Mr. Bush, if things stay this way, every Arab and Moslem will become a militant! Don’t you think it is time Syria got back Lebanon and the Golan heights, and the time for the Brammertz investigation stopped? This way, people in the region will stop hating you and everyone will revert back to their happy, pacific selves.
We can guarantee that.

Mr. Bush, I know that the Syrian public opinion and our intellectual establishment still believe up to this day that September 11 was an American inside job, masterminded by the CIA to advance your own hegemonic plans to rule the world. But heaven forbid that we in Syria get involved in any such fiendish tactics. Our Imagination couldn’t possibly stretch into ordering inside jobs.

You know us well Mr. Bush, theatrics and staged events are not our thing.

Bashar Al Assad,
(Pleading to remain the) President of Syria.

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